Guest post: Faithful to my curiosity

What's after the "culturally successful" life?

We take a break from my ever-spooling “Doing Nothing” series (Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4) for a guest post from Amy Brockman.

I did a workshop at the Econome conference in March titled, “So I’ve Retired, Why Aren’t I Happier?” Amy attended and we got to talking afterwards. Amy discovered FIRE in the middle of an existential crisis about her career as a dentist and, after reorganizing her finances away from consumption and towards liberation, was able to leave her stressful job in 9 years in 2022. These days, she is writing, painting, stitching, gardening, and salsa-dancing in early retirement in the Midwest. She blogs her sometimes deep and sometimes weird thoughts at Livefreeandhappy.com. In this guest post, she talks about the inner transition she went through after crossing over to FIRE: doing meditation and then finding a relaxed state of curiosity. I think that’s the real fruit of FI, a natural inquisitiveness and creativity about life. And you can get there, if you learn how; the next Financial Freedom 1 cohort starts June 15.

Without further ado, Amy’s essay:

Financial independence! 

I made it! I finally made it!

But hold on a minute…where was the euphoric happiness I’d been imagining? 

I racked my brain, wondering what it could be. 

I had followed the culturally acceptable play book for achievement, which everyone said would make me happy. Then, when I realized I could strive for financial independence and retire early, I eagerly implemented those strategies as well. The internet was full of happy people who had done this. Right? RIGHT?!!

So, why wasn’t I happy?

I had left work, thinking that I would leave behind years of anxiety- only to find that it came with me. The achievements, the career, even attaining FIRE hadn’t brought me happiness. And now, I was retired, alone in my house, and left to ponder the problem. 

Maybe ponder wasn’t the best word; I was stuck in a bit of a loop. I checked the boxes I was supposed to in order to be happy, but I still wasn’t. Were there other boxes to check? Other achievements to strive for? I kept unhealthily and unproductively spinning in my head, wishing I could find the off button. 

For 20+ years, I had trained my brain to be in a state of stress, as I furiously studied to become a dentist, and worked my career. Even after financial independence, that hadn’t changed. My brain and subsequent stress levels seemed unaware that I was no longer at work. 

That led me to wonder…. if I had trained my brain to be anxious and stressed out, could I train it to be calm and joyful?  

And that inquiry led me to the practice of meditation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve tried meditation, and it’s way too hard.” Or, “I can’t meditate.”

Nobody can meditate. Particularly if their brain was wired like mine. 

Nevertheless, I showed up everyday to try.  

I wanted to give myself a moment, one little hour in the day to shift my focus away from stress and anxiety. That hour sometimes felt maddening, a relentless battle against my own thoughts. But every so often, I could slip into a relaxed and easy state. I could put thoughts aside. 

These moments were few and far between at first. Then, after about 9 months of practice, something happened. I sensed that I had become calmer. My anxiety was diminished. I was kinder and more patient with people and situations. 

My brain had relented. It had changed. I had found the elusive off-button.

Not only could I now meditate, I could see things in a different way. Instead of looking outside of myself for extrinsic rewards, I simply allowed my sense of curiosity to take over. Instead of finding boxes to check, I followed what compelled me.  

Success vs. curiosity

Before all of the achievement, the career ambitions, I was one heck of a weird kid. I wrote plays. I expressed myself freely in art. At the age of 9, I made 4 course meals. I had put this creative energy aside to please my tribe… to become “successful”. And in the process, I had become miserable and stressed out. 

Allowing my curiosity to take the lead again put me back on that joyful path I knew as a child. I was free to engage my interests, and follow them where they led (which was arguably why I did this early retirement thing to begin with). 

And then something unexpected happened.

Opportunities started to come to me out of nowhere. Friends and helpers appeared. Creative people walked into my life, and helped me find my way back to the genuine me. 

I began writing, becoming curious about the process. I wrote for hours, I read about writing. I became immersed in the idea of creation.  I stepped into the flow. And life, it seems, honored this step towards curiosity. 

In the months that followed, I found myself serendipitously sitting next to writers at (unrelated) conferences. One was a person whose work had had significant impact on me. Another one who had experience in areas of writing I was considering. These people showed up, as if by magic. It was like a high-five from life, an “atta-girl” for following my intuition. 

So, I kept going with this curiosity thing.

As I continued writing, I pondered themes of personal storytelling. One night, out for some dinner with friends, I met yet another writer. During our short introduction and 5-minute chat, she invited me to participate in a live storytelling event. Once again, I was stunned that my curiosity had led to yet another interesting opportunity.

My first live storytelling event went well… but I had been nervous. Once again, I became curious; how could I get better at this? How could I find ways to connect to an audience and quell my nerves? Wouldn’t you know it, someone mentioned that I should join Toastmasters that very week. 

I could go on and on. From taking up Latin dance and conversational Spanish, to helping friends establish a garden, my curiosity has allowed me to chart a different course. I’ve stopped checking boxes (most of the time) and I’ve leaned in to myself, to the stuff that makes me me. To the stuff that allows me to love life. 

And life circulates that love right back.  

All of that stress and anxiety I experienced after retiring? It was showing me the way. It was my signpost that I had left myself behind when I looked elsewhere for the validation of a culturally “successful” life.

When I left behind the old mentality and changed my brain, I opened a whole new world.  All I had to do was let life lead. I could now say “yes” to my curiosity. I could be faithful to that call, instead of someone else’s idea of what would bring me happiness. 

— Amy Brockman welcomes your responses. She can be reached at amy [at] livefreeandhappy.com